**This entry was submitted to the blog Nine Moons:
When I was attending the University of Utah one of my then favorite movies, The Big Chill, was released. Starring a very young William Hurt, Kevin Kline, Glenn Close and Jeff Goldblum, it was about a group of friends who come together when one of their own commits suicide. One of the more powerful moments for me was when the minister gave the eulogy. In conclusion he said:
“It makes me angry, and I don’t know what to do with my anger! Are not the satisfactions of being a good man among our common men great enough to sustain us anymore? Where did Alex’s hope go? Maybe this is the small resolution we can take from here today. To try to regain that hope that must have eluded Alex.”
Towards the end of my mission, Elder G. and I were ZL companions, and as close as they come. We had a great time together, traveling the zone for exchanges and baptismal interviews. We laughed a lot, prayed a lot, took a lot of silly pictures. In one we’re straight-faced, wearing boxers over our Swedish knit pants, and another holding up the Durham Herald-Sun, the two-inch high headline reading: “Reagan 40th President”; big, cheesy grins on our mugs. He was from Kearns and I was from Sandy, so when I came home three weeks after he did we went on a double date (saw The Jazz Singer; drove the girls nuts with our over-the-top Neil Diamond impressions). We both started attending the U. and ended up in a number of the same classes.
It was around this time I started seeing the cracks in the veneer. Ken would pose questions like, didn’t I think it was ridiculous how the Church turned Sonia Johnson into a martyr, or “Why couldn’t Kimball see the Salamander Letter was a forgery? I mean, he’s supposed to be a prophet, right?” I thought he was just assuming the smug collegiate mindset, always questioning and framing arguments. Apparently it ran a lot deeper than that. He had a new girlfriend at the time, a sweet non-member girl, and they soon moved in together. Finally, Ken admitted he left the Church and tried for months afterward to get me to see the absurdity of it, and all religion in general. And then we just sort of faded apart.
I know people leave the Church all the time for a bunch of reasons. I hear about it every week. Something– or things– happens that brings about disillusionment, disenfranchisement and finally divorce. Their testimonies (I would reason) just weren’t strong enough to take the challenges they faced, or they chose to yield rather than endure. Questions that occured to them took prominent placement in their minds, to be fed and nurtured. Excuses such as not agreeing with the Church’s position on an issue or getting mad because their bishop made an observation that offended them became smoke screens obscuring truer reasons– either that or they just never got the gospel in the first place. Their testimonies were malnourished seedlings or just plain figments. Why else could they make wholesale dismissals of everything else the religion consists of: All the collective scriptural and spiritual evidence, the perfect package of the Plan of Salvation, the cause and effect– and lessons– of living the Gospel? To be so hung up on things so insignificant in the eternal perspective.
It reminds me of another scene in The Big Chill:
“I don’t know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They’re more important than sex.”
“Ah, come on. Nothing’s more important than sex.”
“Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?”
On the other hand, I know there are expatriates in pain over their decisions. They genuinely feel betrayed, broken-hearted. My heart goes out to them. But again, I feel that so many good and precious things the Gospel offers are being needlessly sacrificed for the sake of small satisfaction. The Gospel they had once embraced came from God. The testimonies they once bore came from Him. Not liking feeling judged in your ward or the Church’s stand on a particular issue shouldn’t erase all that– it’s not worth spiritual amputation.
But this was Elder G.! We wept together in the field, we baptized and marveled at the disinterested, we fought the good fight! He came from a strong, active home. Where did Ken’s hope go?
Another friend, this one in my current ward, was recently ex’ed. Before that happened he was stalwart to the point of nauseating, a real boy scout. He’d preach missionary work with the zeal of a Kool-Aid drinker and was the go-to guy in Gospel Essentials. Ours was a quirky friendship because I tended to be more the contrarian and weisenheimer to his wide-eyed “whoops there goes another rubber tree plant.” But we admired each other’s minds and passion for film, and enjoyed each other’s company while going to movies and running marathons. Then he strayed from his marriage, dyed his hair and disappeared, only to show up a few months later with a new wife (I call her “Yoko”). I used to comfort myself for being cynical by saying it’s the zealots you have to watch out for– THEY’RE the ones most apt to crack. At the same time I suspected that that kind of thinking was just pathetic justification for my own sins. Now I’m not so sure I was so far from the mark.
People leave the Church every day. It’s virtually a law of nature– a necessary evolution of the purification of Zion. In my heart of hearts I truly believe that those who are converted– and who cultivate the spiritual maturity to actually “get” the Gospel– will not leave the Church, not permanently. Those who aren’t and don’t I feel will vacillate into a spiritual passivity or will persistently be bugged by things in the Church until they finally step off, either with crashing cymbals or a mouse fart.
But that’s me.
It just surprises me sometimes, you know, who leaves and who stays.
10 responses so far ↓
1 xoxoxoxo // Aug 25, 2008 at 2:42 am
Having never heard a mouse fart before, could you explain that sound for me puddin’?
2 David // Aug 25, 2008 at 3:57 am
Kind of like a bubble wrap bubble that’s a dud.
3 Karron // Aug 25, 2008 at 7:06 am
In 1996 my son was murdered. I was so ticked off at God that I wavered in, nearly fell off, nearly walked away from my testimony. But after a bit, I realized only my testimony and faith kept me from going crazy with grief.
Once one of my branch presidents with a huge ego issue, meaning it barely fit in his oh so perfect body, told me my testimony was suspect because I disagreed with him about something. I was, as he believed, supposed to follow him blindly. But, my testimony and my faith kept me from walking out and never coming back.
when we moved back to the US from abroad, I found that the ward we were in was filled with self absorbed snobs, who, for whatever reason, thought members from Utah were superior to all other members, and if you weren’t from there, you were to be pitied and ignored. My testimony and faith, barely, by the skin of my spirit, kept me a member, but not always going to church.
Today, I accepted a calling I don’t really want because there must be a reason the Lord wants me to do it. Only my testimony and faith let me accept it. Knowing, somehow, some where I will grow from it and be a better person/member/woman for it.
So I don’t get letting little things get in the way of just getting on with what has to be endured so we can get to the final celebration. Life isn’t always roses, but it is always worth it in the end. Being a member isn’t always easy either, but the ending is always worth it.
Karron
4 loren // Aug 25, 2008 at 8:07 am
Hi,
about one month ago I would have wholeheartedly agreed with everything that you’ve said, but that was a month ago. I think you maybe are being a little too harsh on people who leave, it’s easy for me to say this because I can empathise with them. Now I haven’t handed in my notice yet, things aren’t quite that desperate. It’s just that the thing that I thought I had a testimony of, didn’t exactly happen or function as I had been led to belive. I can’t really blame anyone for my false expectations, but then there’s the whole question of why the (unedited) foundational stories of the restoration aren’t common knowledge among the general membership of the church? No easy answers I know, but I literally cried my self to sleep when I found out about polyandry and the angel with a flaming sword. Anyway, just saying take it easy on the wayward souls, some us are still trying to hang in there. One idea that keeps me going is that if I’ve never truly been tested, then I’ll never know what I’m truly capable of.
Peace
5 David // Aug 25, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Karron,
Wow, you do get it. I think a lot of us forget that, like Paul, we are in race, a course, and Father hopes we respond like Olympiads. Sometimes it looks like a sadistic and crappy deal, but oh the rewards that await. Thank you, Karron, for putting such a sharp-focused perspective on it.
Loren,
That’s a good idea to hold onto (at the same time I’d be knocking on wood saying, try not to make the tests TOO intense). Those tripping issues you brought up came to my attention in the mission field– being in the heart of the bible Belt, you can’t help getting inundated with anti literature. It’s like I told the Baptist minister who challenged me with all sorts of arguments when I first joined the Church: I don’t know how to answer that, all I know is what I felt.
6 xoxoxoxo // Aug 26, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Loren,
Something that helps me squeeze through the tight spaces is asking myself in those moments…”Who/what is my faith really in?” The ONLY right answer to that question is “In my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” and every single time I’ve had to ask the question, I’ve taken my eyes off of Him and placed them on something or someone else.
Is my faith in marriage and how it is practiced or is it in the Lord?
Is my faith in Joseph Smith or Brigham Young or is it in the Lord?
Is my faith in what is taught or not taught to me, or is it in the Lord?
I find that if an issue is “shaking my faith”, it’s because I’ve stepped off of the solid rock foundation of Christ, and onto the rickety foundation of a mortal soapbox for whatever reason. I hate that feeling because it is not secure, and safety is only found by stepping back onto the solid ground I finally learned to build my testimony and understanding on-the Lord.
I had to follow the Lord’s commandments and get to know my general contractor. I had to become familiar with HIM. Who He is and who he always will be. What He wants and why He wants it. To be able to trust in HIM no matter what-has allowed me to leave certain issues in His care until He feels I’m ready to understand more. I KNOW now, that as long as I live His commandments and remain obedient and worthy, He will make sure I know all I need or want to know.
God bless
7 loren // Aug 27, 2008 at 11:49 am
Thanks guys for your responses. You’re right it’s got to come down to testimony in the end. I’ve still got some thinking to do to sort this all out in my head, but I appreciate the kind words.
8 s'mee // Aug 29, 2008 at 4:19 am
When I was baptized it was kind of the thing to do in the family, and although I was only 8-ish, I still felt like “hey, everyone else is doing it and if I don’t I’ll get left behind, so – o.k.”. The thing is, when, a year later, a Sunday School teacher used a particular object lesson, it hit me hard. At that moment in time “I knew”. I made a conscious choice to always stay active, no matter what my brain would tell me, no matter how harsh, no matter how cruel, no matter no matter, I would stay because at that point I knew. I would trust my 9 year old self. I didn’t understand anything other than ‘Something’ told me I’d be safer in life and also in death if I stayed. So I have.
I have been tested, I have questioned, I have been a victim, a target, an object of cruelty. I have also been repeatedly blessed in quiet unspeakable ways that continue to tell me, “stay.”. So I do.
I see the writing on the wall. I see family and friends who have walked away, not from disbelief, but because of a jot, a tittle, a missed opportunity, an opinion, a mis-step, poor leadership, lack of compassion, lack of understanding, pride, or because a small weakness in *their* character got the best of them and they feel more comfortable around weakness. I think to myself, “I might have done the same if I were in their shoes…” But I made a promise to my 9 year old self to stay, So I will.
My 9 year old self understood that I would never fully understand the Gospel and all its’ precepts and doctrines, all the history, and all its’ imperfections and how they wouldn’t matter in the eternities. My 9 year old self knew and understood at one precious moment in time the perfect purity of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the imperfect church and its’ membership, Joe Smith, Brigham Young, the whole kittencaboodle was true enough and more true than anything else that would ever come along.
I bless that day and that Sunday School teacher, and I am extremely grateful to that 9 year old who keeps me in activity and humility enough to know, I don’t know everything so I must rely on the Lord and the Gospel He has set in place.
please excuse the lengthly comment.
9 David // Sep 1, 2008 at 2:31 am
s’mee,
I’m so much the same way. When I received my first witness that the Church was true– before I joined it– I shared my experience with, among others, a Baptist friend who asked me to meet with his minister. The minister and I were already acquainted. At a New Year’s Eve party 8 months earlier he had laid his hands on my head and instructed me to accept Jesus in my heart. I was supposedly “saved” that night. Now with this new revelation the minister sat with me and showed me scripture upon scripture how the LDS Church couldn’t be true. He told me things about Joseph Smith and the fraud perpetrated on all the millions of saints. I listened politely and read along as he read his passages. After he was done I just shrugged and said, “I don’t know about that. You show me scriptures, they’ll show me scriptures… All is know is what I felt.”
And to this day that has always been the strongest pull on my compass. I read a lot of passionate and persuasive stuff in print, in blogs, etc. But all I know for certain is what I felt.
10 s'mee // Sep 1, 2008 at 9:13 pm
You know David, when I found your blog I was hooked! It took me a few days, but I went through each and every one of your posts, left a few comments here and there, and I check every day because I love the meaning and feel of your thoughtful posts. I remember reading your conversion story and thought how awesome it was, how difficult it must have been for you when trusted friends and such around you were so concerned for you, and yet, there was the Spirit with you all the same. Just awesome. Thanks again for sharing such a sacred time.
Hey, when do we get a peek at the new digs?
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