One of the curses of my lineage is that, like my father, I got gray early. At age 48 my hair is now completely white– just like Steve Martin’s. My face is still youthful, my demeanor downright sophomoric, but the noggin’s thoroughly Ancient of Days. I went to the local IHOP for lunch today for an egg white-veggie omelet and my waitress– a pretty, petite Latina– was so cheerful, she actually sang when she asked if I wanted coffee or juice. She then glided from table to table, a big smile and a hello for everyone, and I thought, wait–she’s a waitress! She makes little over minimum wage and she deals with throes of deadbeats every day. Why is she so happy? When my change came from my bill I saw she gave me too much back, and I pointed this out.
“For the Senior’s Special,” she beamed.
“What?? Wait–” I stammered.
“No, it’s okay,” she said with her hand on my shoulder, almost conspiratorially. “You look good.”
Not sure what she meant by that. Was she saying she gave me the discount ’cause I could get away with it? Or that it was all right because I qualified? Either way, I left her a bigger tip than usual. Not because she gave me the discount, but because she didn’t have to. And because she was so happy. Because she blessed my visit.
As most other kids growing up in Salt Lake, whenever I wanted to get somewhere, I usually rode my bike. A favorite place for me to visit was the Cottonwood Mall, and I’d ride down 33rd South from East Milcreek and through Holladay to get there. I remember I knew I was getting close when I passed a little square building called the Kolob Credit Union. Even at age 12 I felt the name was tacky beyond words, and I’d shake my head and sneer at it with all the contempt my tween face could muster as I rode by.
There are times when I’m very homesick for Utah. I don’t get back there as often as I used to– life’s just gotten too darn hectic– and I NEVER do the 10-hour drive between LA and SLC anymore like I used to. It’s hard to believe that, while Utah will always remain *HOME*, I’ve lived in Los Angeles eight years longer.
Something I don’t miss about my beloved Beehive State, though, is the merchandising of anything Church. I used to joke that I’d make a million if I came out with a line of kids underwear called Garmeroos (“I’m a Gadianton Robber!” “I’m an Anti-Nephi-Lehite!”) I internally cringe whenever I venture into a Deseret Book and see all the Mormon games and novels and tchotchke displayed as point-of-purchase items (Joseph Smith eraser heads make excellent stocking stuffers!) While much of it isn’t in bad taste, and might even be beneficial in instructing kids, there’s still a lot that’s iffy and makes me question the motivation of their creation. Take, for example, a “couples” game entitled The Celestial Companions Game– (Box description: “Newlyweds, couples with children, and even those celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary will enjoy this lighthearted lurch into eternal marriage!”) “Brethren, where will your help meets say is the strangest place you ever “made cookies?” “That would be in the cold room, Bob!”
Some of the names are enough to make you want to put your arm to the square: Search, Ponder and PLAY!; It Came to Pass (a game where you discard cards); Hold to the Rod (“mind-boggling fun” where your team advances to the Tree of Life); and my personal favorite, Split the Ward (Object: “You and your friends and family have been called to help rearrange a cast of zany characters into new leadership positions as quickly as possible!”) Sound training for future stake leaders.
Even more offensive is when businesses include silhouettes of a temple or Moroni in their logos– or have names like “Kolob” or “Liahona”, though their companies have nothing to do with anything remotely Church-related. Just a wink and a nudge to other members who want to “keep it in the family.” But David, it’s what makes us so special! Sorry, I have a court order which says that word can’t come within a hundred feet of me.
Of course, I would never go through with the kids underwear project…
But I’ve got this great idea for Angel Moroni bottle stoppers.
19 responses so far ↓
1 David // May 16, 2008 at 12:50 am
Chris and Jonathan,
I had to resubmit the entry and lost your comments, sorry guys. And, Chris… I commend you for your integrity.
2 Clean Cut // May 16, 2008 at 12:39 pm
The thing that’s bothered my wife and I just a bit (and a few other younger couples in our ward with young kids) is the BYU guys here working for the summer that kept coming by this week (three times?) trying to sell, with all their schmoozing (I don’t think schmoozing is a word but that’s what comes to mind) the living scripture type videos–WITH A WARD LIST!
The quote that really got my wife laughing was after she politely tried to get them to respect her desire not to purchase them, even telling them that we could not afford them, one of them said in all honesty: “It’s those who can’t afford them that need them the most”!
3 David // May 16, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Clean Cut,
Grrrrr… Boy, that got my dander up. I would have insisted the bonehead explain exactly what that means.
One of our high councilmen is a realtor and uses the stake directory to mail out those direct mail real estate cards to all the members. It bothers my wife quite a bit, and I’m sure she’s not alone.
BTW, yes– “schmoozing” is a word, meaning to engage people you’re trying to impress with chatter. It’s actually Yiddish. Oy!
4 xoxoxoxo // May 17, 2008 at 6:31 am
schmoozing is often followed by much kvetching.
5 David // May 17, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Which, in turn, generates heavy schvitzing.
6 Diana // May 18, 2008 at 2:22 am
I agree that Utah nauseating-ly commercializes the church. People are making millions of dollars from stuff they didn’t even create. I saw a billboard while driving on I-15 through the Draper area and it read: “Honey, we don’t really have to build on a rock, do we?” The billboard was advertising a home-loan or mortgage company. So annoying! The most offensive to me, though, is going into Deseret Book or other places like that — even Walmart — and seeing this one T-shirt that makes me cringe. The front of it reads something like “Stripling Warriors” or whatever and there’s these muscular cartoon men with their spears. The back of the shirt says: “Mamma’s Boys!” Pulleaze!!!! Give me a break. And all the MLM people that are shoving their products into your homes … spare me. I’m doing a big eye-roll here.
7 xoxoxoxo // May 18, 2008 at 5:52 am
Diana, while some of the products are indeed tacky and many border on irreverent, I promise you that no one is making millions on them. *G* There’s just not a big enough market to generate that kind of profit-especially when they aren’t massed produced and sold everywhere.
And while too dang many MLM companies do have their roots here in Utah, the statistics show that for most of them, Utah is not their top producing state. California, Florida and Texas tend to produce far more sales AND upper level distributors no matter what the product is.
8 David // May 19, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Diana,
It’s true, it’s all over the place in Happy Valley. I love to read how Saints excel in various physical, educational and commercial efforts in the world, and I so enjoyed the friendliness and helpfulness of the Salt Lake locals. It’s just the blatant Mormon-ness that bugs me. Stuff like the products I already talked about, the public reminders like the billboard you mentioned, and animated gabbings over Primary lessons and Enrichment projects in the workplace. It can all sometimes be just too special.
9 xoxoxoxo // May 19, 2008 at 4:20 pm
David,
I’m going to assume that if you ever visit Vatican City we can expect a blog post on the blatant Catholic-ness ? *EG*
10 David // May 19, 2008 at 4:56 pm
xoxoxoxo,
Those MLM comparisons you share make sense, but I wonder what the numbers look like per capita.
11 David // May 19, 2008 at 5:03 pm
xoxoxoxo,
Are you comparing the Lord’s Kingdom on Earth to the Mother of Harlots and doing a “nyah-nyah, fair’s fair??” Hello! McFly!
Interestingly, my wife did go to Vatican City last year as part of a business junket and bought my Catholic mom a set of rosary beads blessed by the pope. Mom was thrilled and really touched that her Mormon daughter-in-law would do such a thing.
No Mary Magdalene eraser heads, though.
12 xoxoxoxo // May 19, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Now now…the Catholic Church is NOT the “Mother of all Harlots”….LOL
Just saying that “when in Rome” I would no doubt be captivated by all the crosses and baroque icons and statues and would probably pack my suitcase full of stuff that would make my Mormon neighbors gape in shock.
Deseret Book and others would not remain in business if their wares were not being snatched up by the Visa full. Our family that lives out of state brings an empty suitcase when they come to visit because “you can’t get this stuff where we live”. And the crowds that fly in yearly for Women’s conference and Education Week type stuff can barely haul all the stuff they buy OUT of here. We are so used to it we don’t even really “see” it anymore.
I think what your wife did is cool! We named our very LDS little girl after her VERY Jewish great-grandmother and the whole Jewish side of the family was touched to tears.
13 queuno // May 20, 2008 at 2:38 am
Our ward no longer prints ward lists, and we have started restricting access to email addresses.
14 David // May 20, 2008 at 11:05 pm
queuno,
Our ward and stake directories are accesible on LDS.org (I suspects yours are, too), so printing lists is not the problem.
15 xoxoxoxo // May 22, 2008 at 4:08 pm
queuno,
You don’t need a ward list to build an MLM empire silly. All you need is “two” people. Then they get two, and those two get two…..lol
16 Jim // May 22, 2008 at 5:30 pm
David,
I know you are a big American Idol fan and wondered what you thought about the finale and results. Also, I ran across this blog that I thought you would enjoy- stallioncornell.com. Several of his posts reminded me of you for some reason….
Regarding your post, the only thing that bothers me is when people you haven’t seen or heard from for years suddenly show an interest in meeting with you and you later realize that they are just pushing some MLM product. As far as the LDS-themed products, I say, more power to them for their entrepreneurial spirit….
17 David // May 24, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Jim,
As is usually the case, I agreed with Simon duting the finale that the final match was won by Archuleta. The crowd seemed to respond more powerfully to him, too, as well as tha “home camp.” I thought Archie had the best pipes, but Cook had more personality. Although Archuleta would drive me nuts with his benign grin and stammering when he talked, he’s only 17 for crying out loud, but that little tweak might’ve made substantial difference. The wife suggested it was DA’s dad’s fault, but they kept him well in the background during the shows, so I don’t think that was it. Perhaps it was the viewers’ reactions to Simon’s pummeling and then rallying behind the underdog. Who knows: I’m not going to cry foul or call it an anti-Mormon conspiracy. America spoke and, once again, I know nothing.
18 s'mee // Aug 2, 2008 at 6:49 am
I have problems with the makers of all those “Primary Helps!” and such, when, if they read the handbook they would understand that ALL of that stuff is strictly against ‘the rules’. Only what you can get FOR FREE from church distribution is allowed in Primary. grrrrrr.
I also have a problem with LDS artists who have serious talent, and yes they should be paid well for it, however, can they not throw a bone to those less affluent families and make inexpensive large prints? I have seen posters of all kinds of junk (mama’s boys) for under ten bucks; but if you want a nice painting of the Saviour over the mantle or above the sofa you have to purchase a framed on simulated canvas collectible for $500.00! This is ridiculous and excludes any normal family from having fine art. Give me a poster and I can have it framed for about $40, but they can’t manage to print one.
another grrrr.
19 David // Aug 4, 2008 at 8:00 pm
s’mee,
Or at least Doodle Art them, for Pete’s sake!
You must log in to post a comment.