While working on a recording together, Johnny Cash asked Bob Dylan if he knew “Ring of Fire.” Dylan said he did and proceeded to play it on the piano, croaking it out in typical Dylanesque fashion. When he was done he turned to the Man in Black and said, “It goes something like that, right?”
“No,” said Cash shaking his head. “It doesn’t go like that at all.”
And such is life.
There was a time when I was a beatnik in the ward, a glib schismatic who sat towards the back of the room volleying edgy fodder at the class. Something happened somewhere along the way, though, and now… all I can say is the knob has left the building.
I’ve also toned down my choices of entertainment. Don’t listen to Nine Inch Nails anymore, browse Maxim or watch Tarantino films. Cussing comedians and graphic horror now repel me. I’m still trying to come to terms with the 13th Article of Faith, though, and the stuff I do enjoy these days. I still see R-rated movies occasionally, but they’re serious adult dramas, not the shock & gorefests of yore. I recently started to dig the Dropkick Murphys (Irish punk band– a nice combination of Irish folk and hard rock) and my latest favorite author, Ken Bruen, is a spinner of hardluck Irish noir. Yeah, I know, don’t ask me about the Irish thing. Maybe it’s a natural attraction for Tribe of Judah card carriers. But these are the so-called vices that trip me up– not booze, broads or blow. They really galvanize me, scratch the right spots, and I guess I’m just not spiritual enough to surrender them. Part of me thinks if I don’t want to be the blubbering rich kid who Jesus referred to as a camel I’d drop them now, but another part thinks that, like NIN and Quentin, this too shall pass as part of my spiritual evolution. Soon I’ll be collecting the vinyl of Vicki Lawrence and reading Janet Evanovich.
Ah, well, changing the subject… While visiting friends in Laguna Beach recently, I stopped in a small bookstore and struck up a conversation with the proprietoress. We discovered we enjoy reading the same kind of stuff and before I knew it, she gave me two books that hadn’t been released yet, and asked if I’d be willing to read them and send her reviews. She said if it worked out, she’d send me more. Free books in exchange for saying what I think, ay? Can I sleep on it? Well, if it does work out, I’ll put the reviews on this site, too.
Now in a leadership position, I’m feeling the karma of my evil past. Lately I’ve been noting things in the ward I imagine Laman and Lemuel would be doing if they were 21st century LDS:
- Talking in the halls because Sunday School is boring…
- Bringing a book to Sacrament Meeting…
- Leaving their phone on during church so they don’t miss a call– with “Bring Sexy Back” as their ring tone…
- Ducking out to Denny’s after the kids get dumped off to Primary…
- Doing all their home teaching via email or voice mail…
- Never commenting during Priesthood, but audibly sighing, glaring, shaking their head with arms folded, or making a show of getting up early and leaving.
- Making at least one vacuous comment, just to be heard, while trying their best to sound like a sonorous, deep-thinking general authority…every single Sunday…
In my younger days I would have thought at least #’s 1, 2 and 4 were cool. Now I’m mentally shaking my fist at the Philistines like an old man on a porch.
Oh, one last thought, and this is rich: Last Sunday during the opening hymn in Sacrament, these normally silent teenage twin sisters in the row in front of us are desperately trying to suppress laughter. Their father also tries to shush them, but to no avail. When it was finally safe for them to talk without busting out in giggles, they pointed to the chorister. One of them said, “See what she’s using?” Yes, a baton. Wait, a weird looking baton… Then the other one squealed, “It’s Dumbledore’s wand!” and again they buried their faces in their arms.
My ward, and welcome to it.
10 responses so far ↓
1 Seth R. // Jan 11, 2008 at 5:00 pm
You realize don’t you, that you can never have real bloggernacle street-cred unless you’ve been observed reading Bushman’s “Rough Stone Rolling” during Sacrament Meeting at least once. Or Fawn Brodie if you’re really edgey.
I once read “Patriot Games” during my Sunday School class as a teenager, but we’re a little too high-brow for that in the nacle…
2 John // Jan 11, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Two quick stories about reading in church.
1- When my wife and I were first married we attended the same ward that then BYU presidend Oaks attended. I remember sitting right behind them during one meeting when Sister Oaks leaned over and told Elder Oaks to put away his book and listen to the speaker! He rolled his eyes a bit, but did it.
2- Before the block meeting schedule came around, the sacrament would be administered not only in sacrament meeting, but Sunday School and Jr. Sunday School. In Jr. Sunday School we’d sit directly behind the priests during opening exercises. On one occasion I watched one of the priests reading an Edgar Rice Burroughs novel, one of the John Carter of Mars series, I think.
3 BHodges // Jan 11, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Having a book in sacrament meeting…I am still reticent to declare it anathema in all cases.
If you like DKM you might try Millencolin.
4 David // Jan 11, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Interesting how out of my laundry list “reading a book in Sacrament” was the one singled out.
Seth – I have no problem with the Church books; I’ve even taken my Rough Stone Rolling to read in meetings. Had I known it would have given me cred, I’d of submitted a picture of myself– with a deacon waiting for me to take the bread– deeply engrossed in the work to BCC.
John – Great Oaks story. I’ll have to share it with my wife since she’s his biggest fan (yes, in a Kathy Bates sort of way).
BHodges – Or at least a snub at the Break the Fast mingle.
5 xoxoxoxo // Jan 12, 2008 at 12:26 am
ROFL! Hilarious post.
My husband is from the tribe of Judah (oy vey…you have no idea) and has a “thing” for redheaded Irish girls from the tribe of Ephraim…lucky me!
As far as reading in Church goes-I keep two “church” books that I find/found interesting but never have time to read in my bag at all times and when I feel my mind wandering…ok…more than usual…I grab one. I feel as long as I’m sucking up approved doctrine (and NOT preparing to teach in a following meeting-that I find disturbing for obvious reasons) that the Lord is fine with it.
I almost bought my husband Dumbledore’s wand for Christmas…good thing I didn’t…he’d apostatize before accepting a calling to be the ward chorister!
6 David // Jan 12, 2008 at 12:43 am
xoxoxoxo,
I’m curious, what are the two “church” books you keep in your bag? You almost bought your husband a Dumbledore wand?? What, is he a (shudder) Harry Potter fan? Well, I guess all’s fair; my wife’s sisters gave her a Darth Vader light saber for her birthday.
BHodges,
BTW, thanks for the heads-up on Millencolin. I will absolutely seek them out.
7 xoxoxoxo // Jan 12, 2008 at 7:44 pm
David-
Dh is a sci-fi/fantasy geek-LOTR, Star Wars, Harry Potter etc. He brought home a Sky Mall magazine to show me how “cool” the HP memorabilia was “for the kids”…yeah right.
As for the two Church books-it just depends on where my mood is. I keep two so I have a choice between themes etc. In there now-
1-I bought a copy of Preach My Gospel after general conference and love it. Figured being on top of what the missionaries are teaching converts was a good thing and explains the basics well and thoroughly. Plus it has lots of space to take notes on every page-as a habitual margin writer-I loved that!
2-Are We There Yet? by Robert L. Millet (great book-and being small, it offsets the weight of the PMG and new JS manual!)
Used to have a C.S. Lewis in there (yes I know he’s not LDS but hey…13th apostle right?) , The Complete Joseph Smith Translation of the New Testament spent half the year in the bag, Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley etc. I read other sources too, but just not in Church…worship is worship and if I’m going to ignore the speaker I want the spirit to at least “approve” of the message I am reading-studying as an alternative if that makes any sense.
8 peetie // Jan 15, 2008 at 1:09 am
Ha. I got in a lot of trouble as a kid for taking my Bible out of the carrier and putting a Robert Jordan novel in instead. Now that I’m older I take church books; I feel guilty now, too, but actually listening to some of the talks/lessons wouldn’t change much (since I’m evidently so prideful) and I would be the knob you talked about at the beginning, launching bits of napalm into the discussion. Maybe someday I’ll grow up too and stop doing either.
9 David // Jan 15, 2008 at 2:26 am
Peetie,
Truth be told, ten years ago I’d put my Ludlum or Clancy hardback into the dust cover of a D&C concordance or other Church book so they’d think I was at least being “good” while not listening to the speaker.
10 queuno // Jan 15, 2008 at 3:05 am
*sigh* I made it a goal to attend at least 2 GD meetings a month. Clerk duties are pretty timeconsuming in my ward. I’m just so glad to make it into GD that I don’t even read other stuff anymore.
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